(ONE storms around

the room while TWO stands

center stage, arms crossed.)

ONE:

I hate everything!

TWO:

Just relax.

ONE:

I can't relax! Everything is awful! You're an asshole, I hate this place, I hate everyone here, I can't stand it anymore!

TWO:

Nothing is wrong. Nothing's even happening. You just really need to calm down. I'm here for you, okay?

ONE:

No! I can't stand this! I'm so mad... it's, it's scaring me!

TWO:

Yes, it's scaring me, too! You just need to relax, okay? You're just piling irrelevant things on, trying to make yourself more upset. Don't you see? Just, please, please calm down.

ONE:

FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!

TWO:

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS? CAN'T YOU SEE? YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO HURT THE BOTH OF US! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!

ONE:

I HATE YOU SO MUCH! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR CHRIST SAKE!

TWO:

(sighs)

Fine.

(TWO leaves, but ONE

doesn't notice. When they do,

they look around for TWO,

but he is gone. Lights fade.)

Manshoes

(Lights up on a

convenience store.

As the clerks stand

behind the counter a

man comes in, wearing

women's shoes. He

approaches the counter.)

CLERK:

Hey, how's it going?

MAN:

I NEED A PACK OF MARLBORO CIGARETTES.

CLERK:

Alright...

MAN:

IN A BOX PLEASE.

CLERK:

Sure thing.

MAN:

THANK YOU.

(The clerk retrieves

the cigarettes and hands

them to the man.)

CLERK:

Here you go. $7.04.

MAN:

HERE'S TEN.

(Hands CLERK

a $10 bill.)

CLERK:

...yup.

(CLERK makes change,

gives it to the MAN, who

leaves without a word.)

CLERK:

(to CLERK 2)

Was that fuckin' guy wearing women's shoes?

(Lights fade.)

Socially Awful

(Lights up. A young couple

sits across from each

other in their dining room.)

SARAH:

And why are you always so stiff when we're in public? Are you ashamed of me?

DAN:

No, honey, of course not.

SARAH:

Well than what?

DAN:

I just... don't do well with people.

SARAH:

What? You're one of the most personable people I know.

DAN:

Yeah, there's that, but there's also all of the extreme hostility when I'm out there, too. You've seen it. I get cold in mean when we walk around.

SARAH:

I don't understand.

DAN:

I just feel threatened. Like everyone is trying to fuck with me. With us. I can't let my guard down.

SARAH:

Well you're hurting me in the process.

DAN:

I'm sorry.

SARAH:

You can't keep that up. It's more than just us. That's just no way to live.

DAN:

It makes things difficult.

(Lights fade.)

(A couple sit in their

living room, watching

Bambi. AARON,

the man, sleeps quietly

in his chair. His wife

MAGGIE watches Bambi

in its entirety, while AARON

naps soundly. Just as

the movie is coming to

a close, AARON stirs.)

AARON:

Woah!

MAGGIE:

Hmph.

AARON:

What?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

What did you want?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

Is the movie over?

MAGGIE:

Yes.

AARON:

What was that?

MAGGIE:

Bambi.

AARON:

Was that a short film?

MAGGIE:

No.

AARON:

T.V. show? Was that a T.V. show we just watched?

MAGGIE:

No.

AARON:

Well, what the hell?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

That barely lasted any time at all! I thought this was a classic?

MAGGIE:

You slept through the entire movie, Aaron.

AARON:

Oh, did I?

MAGGIE:

Yes.

AARON:

Ah... Well, I apologize. I feel foolish.

(Credits finish. Lights fade.)

Let Go

(Lights up. The phone rings in

JOHN's bedroom, he

stirs, waking, and picks

up.)

JOHN:

Hello?

VOICE:

Hey John, it's Perry at the store.

JOHN:

Oh, Perry, what's up?

PERRY:

Well, John, I got your note about not coming in Sunday again. What's going on?

JOHN:

It's a college meeting I have to go to. Something about tuition and financial aide and whatnot.

PERRY:

Uh huh. And where is it?

JOHN:

Down in Portland. On Fore Street.

PERRY:

Right... well, we really need you in on Sundays.

JOHN:

Well, I understand, but like I wrote in my note, Sundays are just really hectic for me, and the store's really never busy then, plus Steve is in to do my job. I didn't figure it was a big deal.

PERRY:

Well, the weekends are our busiest time–

JOHN:

But I just said–

PERRY:

So if you can't come in Sundays it's... just not going to work out.

JOHN:

What?

PERRY:

Just not going to work out.

JOHN:

But what's that even mean?

PERRY:

Not going to work out.

JOHN:

That just sounds like you're breaking up with me.

PERRY:

Can't work out.

JOHN:

So... what?

PERRY:

I'll let you know.

JOHN:

About what? I don't understand what–

PERRY:

Thanks, goodbye.

(PERRY hangs up.)

JOHN:

...the fuck?

(Lights fade.)

Oh, Edward

(Lights up on two

teenagers laying in

a star-lit field, Eddy

and Velma.)

VELMA:

Aren't the stars pretty?

EDDY:

I don't know.

VELMA:

They're so twinkly, and bright and fun.

EDDY:

I can't see them. I can't see bright, or fun things anymore. Only... death.

VELMA:

What happened?

EDDY:

Well, the other day this pale bro come up to me and bit me. Then, I just turned into a vampire, and now I'm just– sad all the time.

VELMA:

It's okay. I like you.

(She lays her head on

his chest.)

Oh! You're so cold!

EDDY:

That's right. Because I'm a vampire.

VELMA:

And you're dead.

EDDY:

And I'm dead.

VELMA:

I still like you, though.

EDDY:

I feel as if I have never loved anything as intensely as I love you, right now. (long pause) I would die for you. (beat) If I could die.

(Lights fade.)

Chairs

(SAM and PATRICK

are sitting on the stage,

SAM playing with a folding

chair, PATRICK sitting

in one.)

SAM:

When do you think folding chairs were invented?

PATRICK:

I have no idea.

SAM:

He... he was really on the ball, that guy.

PATRICK:

And probably rich as hell.

SAM:

True.

PATRICK:

And there are wooden folding chairs, too. So we're not limited to metal.

SAM:

Right. But what would they have needed them for?

PATRICK:

I'm going to go with storage on that one.

SAM:

Yeah, but what kind of event?

PATRICK:

19th Century religious revival gatherings?

SAM:

Yeah?

PATRICK:

It's possible.

SAM:

I wonder who started with the seats at movie theaters. The ones that fold up.

PATRICK:

Yeah. I'm a big fan of the arm rests that go up.

SAM:

Those are good, too.

PATRICK:

Yeah. For fellatio.

SAM:

Right.

(Lights fade.)

After the Party

(ADAM, a young man,

stands next to his girlfriends

car in his driveway. She

stands next to him, arms crossed.)

ADAM:

What was wrong tonight?

JENN:

I don't know.

ADAM:

Yes you do. You never act like that.

JENN:

It's just hard. I don't think it can work.

ADAM:

So you pretend I'm not there?

JENN:

It makes it easier.

(ADAM starts to pace.

Lights fade.)

(Two young students sit

next to each other in class.

One, BARRY, reading the latest

book by Glenn Beck. JOHN,

the other, notices.)

JOHN:

Is that that Glenn Beck's new book? "If You're not Right You're Shit"?

BARRY:

YUP! It's great! I've learned so much. Did you know that Obama planned 9/11, and the holocaust!

JOHN:

I had a feeling!

BARRY:

And Mr. Beck finally has concrete proof!

JOHN:

Fantastic! I can't wait for his show tonight!

BARRY:

I know! I never miss an episode!

JOHN:

The other day I was watching FOX News, and I heard that if you rearrange the letters in Glenn Beck's name, it spells Jesus Christ!

BARRY:

It's true!

(Lights fade.)