Good Friend

(Lights up on two men,

they are standing in the park,

talking.)

CHUCK:

You're right, man. You're definitely right. Thanks for coming out here to talk.

HANK:

No problem. You know I'm around whenever you need me.

CHUCK:

Of course, of course. You're a great friend.

HANK:

Hey, you too.

CHUCK:

Well, I've got to go catch Amanda before she gets home. Hope your advice works!

HANK:

It will, you know me. See you around.

(They pat one another on the back

and part ways. The world around

CHUCK remains bright and

colorful, but as HANK falls away

from CHUCK, his surroundings lose

saturation and form. His strides

lose purpose and become robotic.

HANK walks away into nothing,

oblivious. Lights fade.)

(Lights up. A MAN sits alone in his

bedroom, sitting with his laptop

on his lap. He types away

frantically for several minutes,

pounding at the keys like

a crucial deadline is approaching.

Eventually he slows, stops,

and begins rubbing his temples.)

MAN:

Uh... Fuck. Now what. Now what, now what, now what.

(He slowly starts typing again,

picks up speed, and begins going

again at a considerable pace.

He types throughout his speech.)

MAN:

Yes... yes, almost, almost there. Almost done... al-most...

(Just then a beep comes sharply

from the laptop speakers, and the

screen freezes in place. MAN

continues to type but nothing happens.)

MAN:

No. No... FUCK, NO, WHY? I WAS ALMOST DONE! 7 pages... 7 PAGES!

(Lights fade.)

(Lights up. A nondescript

couple lay in bed, the

WOMAN'S head on the MAN's

chest.)

WOMAN:

So, what'll we do?

MAN:

About what?

WOMAN:

About... us? You know this can't happen. We aren't meant to... to do this. It's not designed.

MAN:

But don't you see? It doesn't matter! We have control of ourselves. We're following this path, but we can choose. Didn't you understand?

WOMAN:

Well, no...

MAN:

We've been written these roles, and we've walked along their predetermined paths for our entire lives... or, or not even that. For as long as we've, just, been. You know? But we can choose! We're as real as anything, as real as the writer, as real as the pencil he writes with!

(Lights fade.)

(Lights up. UNO and

DOS sit in an empty room.)

UNO:

So... what are we doing?

DOS:

Well, I don't know, really.

UNO:

Are we just supposed to sit here?

DOS:

I guess.

UNO:

But I want to DO something.

DOS:

I know, I know. But I don't really know... what to do. I... can't even really remember the last time I did something.

UNO:

Come on, man, just the other day we were... uh... shit, I guess I don't really know either. What time is it?

DOS:

I don't know man, I don't even really have clothes I don't think. I... I can't tell.

UNO:

What?

DOS:

We haven't been told yet.

UNO:

We are lacking exposition.

DOS:

And traits. Especially physical ones.

UNO:

I hope I'm pretty. Or handsome.

(Lights out.)

(Lights up. One man approaches

another at a party.

DAN has a drink in hand.)

JACK:

Dan, how you doin'?

DAN:

Uh, fine? Hah, how you doin' Jack?

JACK:

You know what I mean.

DAN:

No... can't say I do.

JACK:

(pointing to the drink)

How many is that, Dan?

DAN:

Are you serious?

JACK:

You know I am.

DAN:

Fuck off, Jack.

JACK:

I'm just trying to help.

DAN:

Well you're not, alright? You're just embarrassing me. Christ. I can take care of myself.

JACK:

Hey, I know that. But what would I be doing if I wasn't checking up on you?

DAN:

Something more productive? Less demeaning? Anything?

JACK:

I just know where one two many takes you.

DAN:

Well it's up to me to keep things under control. So I'll just say what I said from the very beginning, Jack: fuck off.

(DAN walks off. Lights fade.)

(Lights up. Two people sit in a

car, one driving, the other

the passenger.)

LADY:

After today's class, I kind of feel like Christianity is kind of responsible for the Dark Ages. And, you know, the lack of progression during that time. The Middle Ages, too. Culturally, at least.

GUY:

I don't know. But I do feel like Christianity did kind of cause a distraction that may have had a lot to do with the lack of growth in thought and the arts. I mean, during the time of the Roman Empire and ancient Greece they had religion, too, but I feel like there societies were centered more around Philosophic, Political, and Economic growth than to that of their religion. Art, too, grew and changed in those periods, especially in sculpture. I feel like there was a real standstill of those kinds of things during the feudal eras. Everything just kind of became oriented around Christianity. Even their military, the mythos surrounding knights and chivalry, stemmed from Christianity. I guess because there was such a fervent spread of it during the fall of Rome and the societal splits that came from that Constantine brought it into the mainstream by making it the national religion. That really was the catalyst. If you ask me.

LADY:

So... what are you saying.

GUY:

That Christianity is responsible for the cultural stunting during the feudal era.

LADY:

Right. So just what I said. Except long, and douchey.

GUY:

Well... I guess...

LADY:

Right. Dick.

(Lights fade.)

Nothing

(Two boys sit side by

side on a bed, one reading

and the other on a laptop.)

ONE:

Man...

TWO:

What?

ONE:

We have SO much shit to do.

TWO:

I know. Ugh... shit. We should really do that, too.

ONE:

I know...

TWO:

...

ONE:

I just... DON'T have the motivation. At all.

TWO:

YES.

ONE:

Jesus.

(The two sit in the same

places, doing the same things

for several beats. Lights fade.)

Phone Trouble

(Lights up. It's early morning,

and a young couple are sound

asleep. After a beat, a phone

loudly rings.)

MAN:

Christ...

(He quiets the ringing.)

WOMAN:

Who was that?

MAN:

No one. My alarm. It hasn't been working right lately.

WOMAN:

Oh.

MAN:

Just go back to sleep, honey.

(They lay down and

drift back to sleep. After

a few beats, the phone rings again.

The woman groans and

rolls over, the man grabs the phone

and shuts the sound off again. He

then lays back down. A few more

beats, and the phone rings again.)

WOMAN:

Jesus, Mark...

(MAN shuts the phone off again.)

MAN:

Yes, yes, I've got it.

(They fall back to sleep again.

Just as MAN begins snoring,

the phone rings. He grabs at it,

without looking, lays his hand

on it, and throws it across the room.

Silence. Lights fade.)

(Lights up on a boy with

PIRATE facepaint on. A man

approaches.)

MAN:

Hey.

PIRATE:

Hey.

MAN:

What are you supposed to be?

PIRATE:

A pirate.

MAN:

Ah. Facepaint.

PIRATE:

Right.

MAN:

Can you do me?

PIRATE:

No.

MAN:

Why not?

PIRATE:

I don't paint faces. I'm a pirate.

MAN:

Ah.

(Lights fade.)

(Lights up. A and B are standing

across from each other

in an empty room.)

A:

I think, therefore I am.

B:

Who said that?

A:

Descartes.

B:

No, I mean who said that. Who's there?

A:

Oh, it's me.

B:

I don't know that.

A:

Don't you?

B:

No.

A:

Do you believe I'm here?

B:

Yes.

A:

So it's true?

B:

I believe it to be true.

A:

Close, but can you justify it?

B:

I hear you.

A:

Can you trust your senses?

B:

I... I don't know.

A:

No?

B:

I can't be sure.

A:

You doubt?

B:

I think...

A:

You think!

B:

Yes.

A:

Yes...

B:

I think... therefore, I am.

A:

Yes.

(Lights out.)

Bluebird

(Lights up.

HANK appears asleep in

bed, lying on his back. A

small bluebird, however,

is perched lightly on his

large, exposed stomach.)

BLUEBIRD:

Hank... Hank?

HANK:

Hmm?

BLUEBIRD:

Everybody's asleep... can I come out.

HANK:

Christ, buddy...

BLUEBIRD:

Aw, Hank...

HANK:

Alright, alright. Come on out. How you doin', buddy?

BLUEBIRD:

Aw, I don't know... It's awful dark in there, Hank.

HANK:

Mmm.

BLUEBIRD:

And you keep dumping all that whiskey on me, Hank. And all that smoke...

HANK:

Yes, I know it buddy.

BLUEBIRD:

...Hank?

HANK:

Hm?

BLUEBIRD:

How come you don't tell anybody about me, Hank? How come you keep me all cooped up inside you. You just thunder around, gruntin' and swearin' at everybody, and you drink so much that nobody even knows I'm here. They just see the mean, drunk side, Hank. Why don't you let me out, Hank.

(Beat.)

HANK:

Just go to bed, buddy. Go on back in.

(Blackout.)

(Two old women are

minding a convenience store,

ONE across the room from

the other, sweeping. All of a sudden,

the lights flicker.)

TWO:

Did the lights just flicker?

ONE:

The lights just flickered!

TWO:

Think we'll lose power?

ONE:

Hope not.

TWO:

Me too. Where's the flashlight around here?

ONE:

I don't know. But I've got one in my purse.

TWO:

I have mine, too.

ONE:

I have my pink one in my purse.

TWO:

I know, I have mine, too.

(ONE continues to sweep. TWO

watches the lights for another

5 minutes or so, then starts

reading a magazine.

ONE is still sweeping across

the room. Lights fade.)

(

Well, huh.

(PATRICK and HALLEY

are sitting in Statistics.)

PATRICK:

You know, the other night when we were at Sam's, I didn't even realized you were sleeping next to me until his alarm went off in the middle of the night.

HALLEY:

That wasn't me.

PATRICK:

What?

HALLEY:

That wasn't me.

PATRICK:

Well, then who the hell was it?

HALLEY:

That was Tyler.

PATRICK:

That's... really strange. How did I think that was you?

HALLEY:

I have no idea.

PATRICK:

I could have sworn–

HALLEY:

Nope.

PATRICK:

Huh.

(Lights fade.)

Big Fan

(ANDY is sitting at a

table in a coffee house.

After a beat, his friend

TYLER walks in slowly

and sits down.)

TYLER:

Hey.

ANDY:

Hey. So what's up?

TYLER:

Hmm?

ANDY:

Why'd you ask me to come out here today?

TYLER:

Oh, right. Well... I met Tim Kasher last night...

ANDY:

HOLY SHIT! Are you serious? What happened?

TYLER:

I interviewed him.

ANDY:

How'd it go?

TYLER:

Well...

ANDY:

What?

TYLER:

It's just...

ANDY:

Oh, man. You fucked him. You always joked about it, but you actually fucked him didn't you?

TYLER:

No! I mean, that would have been better, really.

ANDY:

Wait, what did you?

TYLER:

Well, I got real nervous, so... I cried.

ANDY:

Oh man.

TYLER:

And vomited.

ANDY:

What?

TYLER:

And I also shit my pants.

ANDY:

JESUS CHRIST, TYLER! What did he do? What the fuck?

TYLER:

The same thing. Literally right after me.

ANDY:

Holy shit.

TYLER:

Yup. It was the greatest night of my life.

(Lights fade.)

Homework

(Three friends are sitting

around, playing Xbox.)

JOE:

Ah... Shit.

ETHAN:

What?

JOE:

I have to do my homework.

ETHAN:

It's Friday. Chill out.

JOE:

No, it's every day. The homework is every day. I have to have it done by midnight.

ZACH:

FUCK.

JOE/ETHAN:

What?

ZACH:

I have to do that too.

(ZACH sets down his

controller, gets to ETHAN's

desk, and starts working on

the computer.)

ETHAN:

Looks like he beat you there.

JOE:

(never looking away from the TV)

Fuck it.

(ETHAN and JOE continue

playing Xbox. Within a few

minutes ZACH is done. There

are 20 minutes left until

midnight.)

ZACH:

You want to use this now?

JOE:

(Still not looking away)

Nah.

ZACH:

But you have like... 2o minutes left.

JOE:

Fuck it.

(Lights fade.)

(ONE storms around

the room while TWO stands

center stage, arms crossed.)

ONE:

I hate everything!

TWO:

Just relax.

ONE:

I can't relax! Everything is awful! You're an asshole, I hate this place, I hate everyone here, I can't stand it anymore!

TWO:

Nothing is wrong. Nothing's even happening. You just really need to calm down. I'm here for you, okay?

ONE:

No! I can't stand this! I'm so mad... it's, it's scaring me!

TWO:

Yes, it's scaring me, too! You just need to relax, okay? You're just piling irrelevant things on, trying to make yourself more upset. Don't you see? Just, please, please calm down.

ONE:

FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!

TWO:

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS? CAN'T YOU SEE? YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO HURT THE BOTH OF US! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!

ONE:

I HATE YOU SO MUCH! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR CHRIST SAKE!

TWO:

(sighs)

Fine.

(TWO leaves, but ONE

doesn't notice. When they do,

they look around for TWO,

but he is gone. Lights fade.)

Manshoes

(Lights up on a

convenience store.

As the clerks stand

behind the counter a

man comes in, wearing

women's shoes. He

approaches the counter.)

CLERK:

Hey, how's it going?

MAN:

I NEED A PACK OF MARLBORO CIGARETTES.

CLERK:

Alright...

MAN:

IN A BOX PLEASE.

CLERK:

Sure thing.

MAN:

THANK YOU.

(The clerk retrieves

the cigarettes and hands

them to the man.)

CLERK:

Here you go. $7.04.

MAN:

HERE'S TEN.

(Hands CLERK

a $10 bill.)

CLERK:

...yup.

(CLERK makes change,

gives it to the MAN, who

leaves without a word.)

CLERK:

(to CLERK 2)

Was that fuckin' guy wearing women's shoes?

(Lights fade.)

Socially Awful

(Lights up. A young couple

sits across from each

other in their dining room.)

SARAH:

And why are you always so stiff when we're in public? Are you ashamed of me?

DAN:

No, honey, of course not.

SARAH:

Well than what?

DAN:

I just... don't do well with people.

SARAH:

What? You're one of the most personable people I know.

DAN:

Yeah, there's that, but there's also all of the extreme hostility when I'm out there, too. You've seen it. I get cold in mean when we walk around.

SARAH:

I don't understand.

DAN:

I just feel threatened. Like everyone is trying to fuck with me. With us. I can't let my guard down.

SARAH:

Well you're hurting me in the process.

DAN:

I'm sorry.

SARAH:

You can't keep that up. It's more than just us. That's just no way to live.

DAN:

It makes things difficult.

(Lights fade.)

(A couple sit in their

living room, watching

Bambi. AARON,

the man, sleeps quietly

in his chair. His wife

MAGGIE watches Bambi

in its entirety, while AARON

naps soundly. Just as

the movie is coming to

a close, AARON stirs.)

AARON:

Woah!

MAGGIE:

Hmph.

AARON:

What?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

What did you want?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

Is the movie over?

MAGGIE:

Yes.

AARON:

What was that?

MAGGIE:

Bambi.

AARON:

Was that a short film?

MAGGIE:

No.

AARON:

T.V. show? Was that a T.V. show we just watched?

MAGGIE:

No.

AARON:

Well, what the hell?

MAGGIE:

...

AARON:

That barely lasted any time at all! I thought this was a classic?

MAGGIE:

You slept through the entire movie, Aaron.

AARON:

Oh, did I?

MAGGIE:

Yes.

AARON:

Ah... Well, I apologize. I feel foolish.

(Credits finish. Lights fade.)

Let Go

(Lights up. The phone rings in

JOHN's bedroom, he

stirs, waking, and picks

up.)

JOHN:

Hello?

VOICE:

Hey John, it's Perry at the store.

JOHN:

Oh, Perry, what's up?

PERRY:

Well, John, I got your note about not coming in Sunday again. What's going on?

JOHN:

It's a college meeting I have to go to. Something about tuition and financial aide and whatnot.

PERRY:

Uh huh. And where is it?

JOHN:

Down in Portland. On Fore Street.

PERRY:

Right... well, we really need you in on Sundays.

JOHN:

Well, I understand, but like I wrote in my note, Sundays are just really hectic for me, and the store's really never busy then, plus Steve is in to do my job. I didn't figure it was a big deal.

PERRY:

Well, the weekends are our busiest time–

JOHN:

But I just said–

PERRY:

So if you can't come in Sundays it's... just not going to work out.

JOHN:

What?

PERRY:

Just not going to work out.

JOHN:

But what's that even mean?

PERRY:

Not going to work out.

JOHN:

That just sounds like you're breaking up with me.

PERRY:

Can't work out.

JOHN:

So... what?

PERRY:

I'll let you know.

JOHN:

About what? I don't understand what–

PERRY:

Thanks, goodbye.

(PERRY hangs up.)

JOHN:

...the fuck?

(Lights fade.)

Oh, Edward

(Lights up on two

teenagers laying in

a star-lit field, Eddy

and Velma.)

VELMA:

Aren't the stars pretty?

EDDY:

I don't know.

VELMA:

They're so twinkly, and bright and fun.

EDDY:

I can't see them. I can't see bright, or fun things anymore. Only... death.

VELMA:

What happened?

EDDY:

Well, the other day this pale bro come up to me and bit me. Then, I just turned into a vampire, and now I'm just– sad all the time.

VELMA:

It's okay. I like you.

(She lays her head on

his chest.)

Oh! You're so cold!

EDDY:

That's right. Because I'm a vampire.

VELMA:

And you're dead.

EDDY:

And I'm dead.

VELMA:

I still like you, though.

EDDY:

I feel as if I have never loved anything as intensely as I love you, right now. (long pause) I would die for you. (beat) If I could die.

(Lights fade.)

Chairs

(SAM and PATRICK

are sitting on the stage,

SAM playing with a folding

chair, PATRICK sitting

in one.)

SAM:

When do you think folding chairs were invented?

PATRICK:

I have no idea.

SAM:

He... he was really on the ball, that guy.

PATRICK:

And probably rich as hell.

SAM:

True.

PATRICK:

And there are wooden folding chairs, too. So we're not limited to metal.

SAM:

Right. But what would they have needed them for?

PATRICK:

I'm going to go with storage on that one.

SAM:

Yeah, but what kind of event?

PATRICK:

19th Century religious revival gatherings?

SAM:

Yeah?

PATRICK:

It's possible.

SAM:

I wonder who started with the seats at movie theaters. The ones that fold up.

PATRICK:

Yeah. I'm a big fan of the arm rests that go up.

SAM:

Those are good, too.

PATRICK:

Yeah. For fellatio.

SAM:

Right.

(Lights fade.)

After the Party

(ADAM, a young man,

stands next to his girlfriends

car in his driveway. She

stands next to him, arms crossed.)

ADAM:

What was wrong tonight?

JENN:

I don't know.

ADAM:

Yes you do. You never act like that.

JENN:

It's just hard. I don't think it can work.

ADAM:

So you pretend I'm not there?

JENN:

It makes it easier.

(ADAM starts to pace.

Lights fade.)

(Two young students sit

next to each other in class.

One, BARRY, reading the latest

book by Glenn Beck. JOHN,

the other, notices.)

JOHN:

Is that that Glenn Beck's new book? "If You're not Right You're Shit"?

BARRY:

YUP! It's great! I've learned so much. Did you know that Obama planned 9/11, and the holocaust!

JOHN:

I had a feeling!

BARRY:

And Mr. Beck finally has concrete proof!

JOHN:

Fantastic! I can't wait for his show tonight!

BARRY:

I know! I never miss an episode!

JOHN:

The other day I was watching FOX News, and I heard that if you rearrange the letters in Glenn Beck's name, it spells Jesus Christ!

BARRY:

It's true!

(Lights fade.)